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Deb's Mutterings

it doesn’t get better

. . . but it does get a little more bearable somehow. We go on with the routine, the normalness of the everyday, but underlying is the great emptiness that remains, the sadness, that is our loss of this precious man. Tears flow less frequently, but I still find myself caught unawares by the simplest of things that make it seem like just yesterday. The unbearable pain subsides, and just leaves this dull ache where my heart used to be. I don’t have much to say to anyone, it’s hard to act normal when nothing is like it should be. I try to scrap, but it’s hard to find the right words - I have managed a few projects that weren’t so personal and didn’t need journalling. And sometimes I do manage to journal, although part of me doesn’t want to remember this hurt, it helps somehow to say these words.


We sold your boat today, and I was quite unprepared for the depth of distress this caused me. You loved this boat, and the joy of sailing it represented, even though we hadn’t taken it out since Kate was born. You had talked about getting it fixed up to sell, but deep down you didn’t really want to let it go, and so it continued to sit in the shed. We cleaned it up in January, and Phil from the Yacht Club has been trying to sell it for months, so his call to say he had someone interested in it was somewhat unexpected, and caught me a litte off-guard. And coming so close to the anniversary of your death, it came at a time I was emotionally fragile anyway. In a way, I feel that I’ve betrayed you somehow, by selling it. But I know that isn’t so. The practical part of me is glad it will go to someone who who will sail it, and enjoy it as you did, rather than it slowly decaying in the shed. It just hurt to say goodbye to this part of you, this part of your youth that I wasn’t a part of, but which meant so much to you, and was a part of who you were.
Thank you to my friends who still come by here, I truly appreciate your love and care.

25 Comments so far
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Deb, you know I am always thinking of you and the kids. Much love from me to you.

Hey Deb, been thinking about you this past week. My thoughts are with you.

{Hugs} Deb, you and the kids have been in my thoughts and prayers this week, sending you lots of love.

Yes, you’ve been on my mind lately (and in my prayers). One day at a time, Deb–that’s all you have to do……. Marci

Thanks for the post… thinking of you…

Deb, you know, I have been thinking of you lately… and praying that somehow you were doing alright. I hesitate to say good, or great, because I know, at the heart of loss its like those words don’t have the same meaning as they once did. I know how that feels.

We sold my son’s Jeep close to the anniversary - it was a project car, a dream he dreamed and I, too, felt like it was a betrayal of sorts to get rid of it. I had to tell myself it wasn’t, it was just a thing, but oh how that thing was a part of something I desired - his dream, life, him.

I’m terribly sorry for the road we both walk… that we, having laid to rest a part of our lives, have to keep going and not be with them. Some day we will. Some day.~G

That is a beautiful LO and the words are perfect

You’re such a brave lady Deb, I truly admire you. Have been thinking about you of late, and I hope you got my email of thoughts at this hard time.


Prayers for God’s peace and comfort for you and your children on Mother’s Day.

Always thinking of you and holding your family in our thoughts and prayers.

((hugs)) I wish I was close enough to give you some real hugs. Keeping you in my prayers.

Deb, what a beautiful and heartfelt layout! Thank you for sharing your journey with us. You and the children are in my prayers daily. I hope that knowing so many care about you and the children helps you in some way. God bless!

Hey Deb,
still thinking of you and yours. Just wanted to let you know that you are still in my prayers. God bless.

Hugs Deb! You are so strong. I’m glad you still keep us posted on you’re doing. I really do think about you all the time and wonder how you are doing!

Thanks for the post. You are still in our prayers daily. We love you. (((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

What a beautiful page, Deb, a tribute. You are such a strong woman, so much more than you know and I imagine Ray is very proud of the way you are getting through this hardship and holding your family together. I think of and pray for you often, Dear Friend.

I think of you and your family often Deb, its such a terrible loss to you all. A man loved so deeply must have been a brilliant person with a lovely soul. Before Ray died I enjoyed reading your blog because you sounded so happy - to lose someone like that is so sad. When I think of your situation my heart feels pain for you. Yet I know its nothing like the unbearable pain of living life without him. It’s such a sad thing when a loving family is deprived of such an important person. That a life filled with love and joy is suddenly taken away and you are left struggling to cope with the loss. Of course your love for your children is a strong motivator but I also imagine you feel the pain of their loss. The sadness knowing they’ll grow up without their father to smile lovingly upon them. The beam of pride on his face as he watches their achievements. Please know that I think of you and send you silent prayers of strength. Here’s hoping that life gives you the strength you need to cope with this painful situation. With Love Judy aka Sunflowerjudy.

I think of you and your beautiful family often. I hope you know there are people who stil deeply care that your family is okay.He is smiling down on you each day. Your happiness is his joy. Bless you.

Oh gosh Deb, that must have been so hard. I have tears reading it. My thoughts are often with you and your family.

So beautifully worded….I think of you and your children often :)

Love you heaps Deb and think of you often.

Reading these posts it makes me wonder if everyones thoughts were hugs or warm blankets your soul would be so warm and filled with so much love - you are much loved and admired our DebF

I too, think of you and your family often. I still cry when I read your words. I pray that God gives you, and your children strength to go on.

Deb, I know how hard it is for you, I still cry when I read your words, thinking about you and your babies often, dear! Hugs,missing your presence at SBB! Love, Olga

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