Deb's Mutterings

hard times

I feel so numb, and so sad - I live on the edge of tears, ready to cry at the smallest things, but trying so hard not to, to be strong for the kids. Every day I go through the motions of living, but it seems that I’m not really, not without Ray. I can do my chores, answer the phone, buy groceries, hang washing, the thousand small things, but my mind and heart are disconnected.

I am constantly surprised, comforted, and humbled by good people caring for me and the kids, people from our rural community, people from far away in our past, people online I’ve never met who’ve heard about our terrible loss. One day I hope to thank them all personally, but even writing thank-yous is incredibly hard.

Rain falls, the sun shines, days pass, and I hope that one day the hurt will lessen, and I will be able to live again, and think of my lovely husband without this pain.

Deb,
My heart aches for you and your family.
You are in my prayers.

Hugs from across the world Deb! will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

No need to thank people Deb, they all just want to help and in a tiny way, ease the pain for you a bit…thinking of you every day.

Sending you lots of hugs Deb… {{{big squeezy hugs}}} …take care of yourself & your lovely kids.

Words can’t express the pain I feel for you. God bless you.

It seems I say the same thing every time I comment but it is true.. I think of you all every day and send my love…

I don’t have any great words of wisdom or even of comfort; I just wanted to let you know that we are still here, still reading your blog and wanting to help bear this heavy burden the Lord has placed on your shoulders, still hurting for you, and most importantly still praying for you.
May Christ be before you, behind you, and beside you, holding you every step of the way.

My heart aches for you. God bless you as you try to live each day with the painful thoughts you have. I pray that you can keep strong for your precious children.

May you be aware that God is holding you close in his eternal loving arms.

Is anyone crying for help? God is listening, ready to rescue you. Psalm 34:17
Evening, morning and noon, I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice. Psalm 55:17
O Lord, the God who saves me, day and night I cry out before you. Psalm 88:1

Hugs, love and prayers from N Ireland. No thanks needed - just allow those who love and care for you to support you. God Bless.

Deb - my heart is aching for you and your family - I have no words, just great nig hugs for you all

what can words say? I wish they could take the hurt away even a little. All I can say is that you and your family are in my thoughts daily.

I look on your blog everyday and think of you and your children and wonder how you are managing to cope without your husband. Your children are probably the one thing helping you keep it together. Your husband will always be with you all in spirit and watching over you all. Big hugs to you all, Bonnie xx

Deb, your children love and need you, pls take good care of yourself. I’m thinking of you and your kids everyday.

(((HUGS))) I know they don’t read as much, but know that if we were on the same continent, I’d be there in a heartbeat to give them in person.

And while my earthly arms just can’t reach that far, know that Christ has a hold of you and will not let go. You are his precious child, and he will not forsake you. Begin to dwell on that love, Deb!

Oh Sweetie, you are loved. God loves you and is holding you in the palm of His hand. Your famiy and neighbors love you. We love you. You are not alone. No one can shoulder your grief, much as we may want to, but we are here and sending love and prayers your way, every day.You will feel the warmth of that sun and taste the sweetness in the rain again one day. You will.

There are few words that would mean much, I know, but you really are being thought about all over the world. Hopefully it is of some comfort that there is so much hope being sent your way, and I want you to know that I greatly admire your courage, even though I’m sure you wish you weren’t having to use it.
Carin
Colorado–USA

Words are so inadequate to convey what I feel..
He will always be with you, in your heart and memories.. If you look at your children you will see him, in features, mannerisms and personality…
My heart and prayers are with you & your children and family as you struggle through the emotional roller coaster you now have to ride..
I wish I could give you a hug..

{hugs} I guess all you can do is just take things one day at a time. We are all still here for you whenever you need us. Take care!

Dear Deb,
I am so sorry to hear of the great loss you have suffered. I wish there was a way to take away some of your pain but I know that no words or actions will ease the pain of your broken heart. Just know that there are people that care and God will lift you up and guide your way.
Sending warm thoughts, hugs and prayers,

I wish there was something I could say that would ease your pain but I know there is not. Just know that you are not alone, you are always in my thoughts.

Thinking of you all Deb

Deb, as a widow since March, 2002 (after 25 years of marriage), I realized quickly what you realized. Life marches on, and you must carry on. I still had a 12 year old to look after and nurture and counsel so he could recover, and hopefully have no ill effects from his loss. I worried only a tiny bit less about the two elder kids who had already fledged. Ray would be very proud of you for bravely taking up this new challenge in your life and being strong for your children - he would want you to do this. While it’s impossible to stop grieving, it does get better as time goes by. Your children need you more than ever, and I’m so glad you recognize this, and are there for them.

Best wishes always…
Ila

It is going to take time. A LOT of it. I can’t imagine the loss you the journey you are walking… we are at 9 months and we don’t cry each and every day. The day will come, just not today. If you ever need someone that might understand your grief - crafttealady AT yahoo.com - any time.~G (aka Gina)

Everyone of us who has lost someone close aches for you and understands that there is nothing anyone can do or say to make you feel any better, only time can do that, but in time thoughts of your lovely, lovely man will make you smile. In the mean time all any of us can do is to watch over you, and care for you. Sending Hugs to you and your childredn.

Still think of you and your family each and every day.

Just over 2 years ago I was widowed after 42 years of marriage. The first few months are agonising and I can remember wishing that I could go with my husband. My children and grandkids kept me going and I can truly say that time does heal. There would not be an hour goes by that I don’t think of my husband but I can now do it without tears, just remembering the happy times. It’s my belief that you never “get over it”, you just learn to live with it. You and your children will help and support each other and you will remain strong for each other. IT WILL GET BETTER. I PROMISE!

I’m still thinking of you and your family each and every day & wish I could be of some help to you. Just take it a day at a time.

Oh Deb!!!! Sending you a big hug! I think about you so often and all you have been through. I can’t imaging what it’s like for you, but I hope you find comfort in all of your friends and family.

Good to see a post from you. I think about you every day. Ray will always be with you and someday you will be able to only remember him with laughter and not tears. It will come slowly.

Thinking of you and your children Deb. You deserve all the kindness you have received and more. Take care A

Deb, I do believe you will be able to live again and enjoy life again. No doubt it will be differently…there will always be an empty place that Ray filled. But I think it is that deep love that you shared with Ray that will enable you to feel joy again. For now, I think that the numbness and the tears are very much okay. Don’t expect or demand too much of yourself emotionally. And don’t concern yourself with the individual thank yous. Just know that you and the children are loved and prayed for daily by many people. Know that God is with you all.

Hugs Deb. You are in my thoughts.

Oh, Deb, please know that people all around the world are thinking of you and your children, sending love your way. I hope you’ll be able to keep living where you are… Hugs.

I know no words will find you comfort Deb and I know you are hurting so much still but trust in God and lean on him and he will perform a miracle, our hope rests in Him . Love always Chris xxoo

I have been reading your blog… all I can say is my family and me are thinking of you.. sending you prayers and *hugs*

You’ve come so far Deb, and I know you can do it. Step by step, you’ll get there. And we’re all here to help you along.

Hi Deb my heart aches for you and your children. I hope that the day when you can remember without the pain is near. You are in my prayers. Love Ceri

so sorry for your loss. I’m praying for you. You don’t know me but I found your blog via Sharon. I so wish I could do something to make it better. I think it’s monumental that you’re even able to do the small things and focus your energy into your kids. You are amazingly strong even if you don’t feel like it.

I understand that no one can make a difference to the way things are, how they have changed so suddenly without you being ready. I cannot even imagine what you are going through.
I feel for you and your kids so much, (there but by the grace of ‘god’ and all…) that if I was a believer I would be praying! My heart goes out to you Deb, in a way of sisters of the soul who have never met. It’s the way of the modern world and the internet that I know of your situation but don’t really know you, even though I feel I do.

….Hennyway….I found this poem…..thought you might gain some comfort from it……..

Don’t think of him as gone away –
his journey’s just begun;
life holds so many facets –
this earth is only one.
Just think of him as resting
from the sorrows and the tears
in a place of warmth and comfort
where there are no days and years.
Think how he must be wishing
that we could know, today,
how nothing but our sadness
can really pass away.
And think of him as living
in the hearts of those he touched…
for nothing loved is ever lost –
and he was loved so much.

Sorry, should have warned you to get a tissue box….. :- ) couldn’t find a personal email addy for you.

biggest hug to you

Peg

Just checking in to give you lots of hugs and–remember you are in my prayers.

I remember my daughter’s stillbirth like it was yesterday and, when like today I heard her name called by another mom for another child, it tore me open again even though it was 6 years ago. I remember feeling obligated to thank people even though no one expected me to. I remember being afraid to leave my house to pick up the mail for fear that someone would ask me about her. I have told folks ever since to not worry about being strong for their kids…it is actually really, really okay for your kids to see your grief, it will bring healing for them to know that how they feel is how you feel too. I honestly wish I could be there right now to authentically hug you but please accept the biggest virtual one that I can muster. And if you must curse the sun for shining so bright and being so beautiful on the day when you want to cry the hardest, do that too…even God knows that anger comes with grief and, no, even He won’t fault you for it.

I think of you & your children very often. I know you don’t know me, but I send my love & blessings to you & your family. I pray for peace & strength. God bless you as you face each day.

Deb, know that we’re still here thinking about you and your children. Do take good care of yourself.

Many hugs, prayers, and thoughts for you.

I think of you and your children quite often Deb, and I pray that God is able to grant each of you peace. Take care

I think of you and your kids often. I am so sorry for your loss. It is good that you have family around to help and just “be” with. I will continue to pray for you and yours for strength and peace. God Bless

Hello Deb

Still thinking of you and your family.

Keep popping by to see how you are doing, sending hugs to you and the kids

We live on a farm too that is suffering from drought conditions. I would be so lost too without my hubby if something happened to him. We have a little son and we breed horses. I will try to not take him for granted which is so easy to do cause you never think you will lose him. Stay strong and enjoy your children. God Bless You!

Hi Deb I keep popping by from time to time to see how you are. *hugs* Still thinking of you.

Just want you to know that I continue to hold you and your children in my prayers. God bless you all.

Hi Deb, just wanted you to know you are all still in my thoughts and prayers {hug}

Hey Deb…just wanted to leave a note and tell you that you have been on my mind! I keep you all in my thoughts and prayers daily…{{HUGS}}

Darling Deb, how cruel that you have to suffer so deeply.

Such a sweet and gentle ‘earth-mother’ yourself, I have ABSOLUTELY no doubt of the sterling job you will be doing with your precious children!

Please allow yourself, Deb … just allow yourself … whatever it takes darlin … anger, hurt, grief, yelling at the heavens, no matter what, it will all be taken in and may even shift the burden just a fraction for a tiny moment. Please do not try to hold it together 24/7 … no-one would ask that!

You could never offend the harmony of the universe, darl. If the many people who have posted so heartfelt and loving messages could all know you in real life, they would simply repeat what they have already written … only TENFOLD!

I hope that the time returns quickly enough that you can see, without your heart breaking in two, Ray reflected crystally-clearly in the flick of your children’s hair when they turn as you call them … or in the loping gait of your children crossing the paddocks of the farm … or in the swing of an axe, or the sound of the tractor in the distance … of in the chuckle of your children’s voices … whatever reminds you of him will become a treasure and a blessing in time … despite the rawness of such memories at the moment. Let it happen darl.

In the meantime, hold the love close to your heart. It is no mystery that you have touched so many people … it is no co-incidence whatsoever! It is a direct and much warranted result of the truly authentic loving person that you are and you deserve it all … and then some.

You are in my thoughts hun. That sounds so insufficent to my ears. What I really mean is that I cry real tears for you, my heart lurches in my chest when I remember grief and then try to imagine how raw it is for you.

Deb, just make sure that you are as gentle with yourself as you are with others … then I know you will be in good hands!

Love Kate Foran XXXXXXXXX

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