Deb's Mutterings

finding some words to say

I’m having trouble finding the words to say, which is the main reason for no updates. I know people will be wondering how we are doing, but I just don’t know what to say.

It seems that as the first horrible shock is wearing off, the sadness is growing. I miss my darling man so terribly, the house and farm are filled with little reminders of him everywhere I look - his cap hanging in the entry, his lunchbox and thermos on the kitchen shelf, his toothbrush still in the cup in the ensuite, his boots at the back door. So many things to do that Ray used to do - even a simple chore like washing up the dishes after dinner at night was one of his jobs. I missed feeding hay to the cattle yesterday afternoon - it wasn’t my job, and now it is.

The children are starting to be able to talk a little bit about their Daddy, although they continually wish for him back, and mention the things that Ray was going to do with them, or hadn’t done with them yet. There was still so much for us to do together as a family.

Today our bull went to market; most of our lovely breeding cows, so gentle and beautiful, will go next week (as long as some paperwork comes through). I can’t look after cows calving, so will have to raise the steers and small heifers we already have, and hopefully be able to keep the farm going that way. Ray was so proud of our breeding cows, building the herd up, raising good calves. I’m so sad to part with them, particularly as they will most likely go to butchers rather than farmers.

There are so many things that just have to be done, a few decisions to be made, but on the most part I’m trying not to make any changes - for all our sakes. We started back to homeschooling, which gives structure to the days again, and keeps me occupied - I just have to keep busy. We still have family with us most days (Ray’s parents have been here the past week or so, their caravan parked out the front), and local friends are starting to drop around for a cuppa, or just to say hello.

I am just getting through each day as best I can, trying not to look very far ahead. It hurts almost beyond bearing. Thanks to all who have left messages, emailed, sent cards - you will never know how much this has meant to me, and the kids, to be surrounded by so much love and goodness, sustained by prayers, and comforted through this trial.

No words that I can say..but know you’re always in the thoughts of one that’s far away.

Tamara XO

I’m glad to hear from you and sorry that things are so hard. I hope God will give you strength.

Oh Deb, I’m aching for you so much. Lots of hugs.

Bless each and everyone of you…your man would be proud of you and how your going on….I was once in your shoes but only had two children. God works in funny ways…the plans he has takes us many directions….I am thinking about you all…
Hugs….

It’s so hard to know what to say, it’s hard enough raising children without the added responsibility of looking after a farm. Ray would certainly be proud of you. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers

Still praying for you and yours, Deb. One day at a time is the only way to survive something like this. You just have to do your best each day, realizing that one day’s best may be pretty poor, measured by how things used to be, but that’s okay because, poor or not, it was still your best. You are much in my thoughts……… Marci

Deb, we are 8 months into our journey after losing our son and I know how you are feeling. My grief wasn’t the same, but it hurt so badly.

One thing that helped me tremendously - we bought paper plates, cups, silverware. We still use it. We aren’t the point of doing dishes all the time. It has cost, but its helped.

Keeping you before the Lord,
Gina

{{{Hug}}} I have never been in your shoes, but I have been in your children’s shoes… I know there are no words to make things better, how we all wish that we were. Hang in there all of you… Ray would be so proud. You are all in my thoughts.

Deb, I agree with the earlier comments that Ray would be proud of you. I know that is of little comfort right now. There are many people out here that care about you and are praying for you and the children. God bless each of you.

You are constantly in my thoughts, Deb …

you’ve brought tears to my eyes just reading about your loss. god be with you and yours as you cope thru this trying time.

I heard about your tragedy at DST. I’m a world away, but I think about you and your children all the time. I wish for the hurt to ease. I’m so sorry this has happened to your family. I’m sending cyber hugs in your direction. Bless your heart.

There are never any words… so please don’t feel like you have to provide any for anyone’s sake but your own.

I think about you all every day.

Thinking of you often Deb. You are in our thoughts and are so sorry for your terrible loss

I have never been to your blog before and I was so sad to read your recent news. I am glad to know that you have so many friends and so much love from your family. I know that this might not be the right time but the reason I was looking for your blog was to tell you that a lo that I did using some word art you created is going to be published in Memory Makers magazine. It is one of my favorite los and I wanted to tell you how happy I was to use part of one of your kits. Know that I will be thinking about you and your family in this hard time and will check back to see your updates.
Mara

Deb,as I said on FORW…….. “sending you special hugs and thinking of you especially TODAY (Thursday). I hope that somehow through the sadness that you are really aware of all the love and prayers surrounding you especially today and that you are able to have some nice times today” Love Jen H

Deb, Ray would be proud of you doing all that you could. Keep going, I’m thinking of you and your children everyday.

Sending Hugs & Prayers to you Deb!

I still have no words for you Deb - my families thoughts and prayers are with you and your children through all this - one day at a time I suppose…HUGS

Please don’t feel you need to post for our benefit. Please be assured of continuing prayers for you and your precious family. May God hold you close to Him through your pain. Take a day at a time. Love and hugs

Deb, you and your beloved children are very much in my thoughts and prayers,
May God bless and watch over you all and help you to find the strength you need.

Linda

Nothing can take you and your families pain away darl but know that you have lots of people praying and loving you through this
you will all be together again one day….Ray is just getting your new place ready for you

I continue to pray for you daily…….

Deb, just one day at a time, Sweetie. I know it doesn’t help much, but Ray would want you to carry on the best you can. I still vividly remember the day we sold our cattle at auction after Steve’s accident. It was heart-rendering. But I too knew that I couldn’t do it and my children weren’t old enough to take on that kind of responsibility. Hang in there Sweetie. We will continue to pray here in NY.

I am still thinking of you and your treasured family and praying for you. I can’t imagine how difficult it is for you all, but I know God is with you and he is watching over you all.

Deb,
I wish there was someway I could help you. I am so glad you have so many friends, and family, there to help you out. I am thinking of you and the kids daily! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, girl.

I found your website when you put in the entry of your husband’s passing. Something like that is so sudden, tragic & hurtful. But I also can tell that you have the love of the Lord to sustain you. Sounds like you are doing what you can to maintain a day to day living. Keep your eyes on the Lord and be thankful for those around you. Will keep you in my prayers…

Thinking of you daily Deb …

Still thinking and praying for you and the children, good to see some of Kates LOs in the gallery, she has learnt a lot from you as all your children will.
Love Annette

Still praying for you. So heartbreaking.

{{{Hugs}}}

I, like you do not know exactly what to say but I feel I must say something. My heart has not felt your pain but it does feel compassion for you and your family. I pray that God will give you the strength to carry on and courage to face what has been put upon you.. There is no book with instructions to guide you through this. Do the best you can and God will do the rest. Sincerely, Renee’

How selfless of you to think of us, to let us know how you’re doing. I admire your strength, Deb, and pray it gets you through the toughest hours. You are in my thoughts.

Great big hugs Deb xoxo

(((hugs)))
finding the words can be hard, just know that you are being prayed for and cared about. we love you!

You are in my heart, in my thoughts and prayers. Much love to you, dear Deb and the children.

One day at a time Deb.
I wish we were closer your breeding cows could live here. We don’t have any on our place yet.

Just letting you know I was thinking of you today and decided to stop by. Hugs

Dear Deb, not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and your family. I lost my mom suddenly when I was seven. I think it is wonderful that you are willing to talk about Ray with your children. My prayers will always be with you.

Still sending you my thoughts and prayers for you and your children.

Deb,
You and your family are still in my prayers. I know this time for you must be so hard, you are doing great though, you’re going to make it through this awful period. It may seem dark now, but there is light ahead for you. The big changes, decisions and day-to-day chores will get more manageable as time goes by. I hope your beloved animals have found new homes (not with the butcher) by now. Don’t be afraid to delegate responsibilities, you don’t have to bear all the burden’s yourself. I also hope you have found someone(s) to talk with who helps you feel uplifted and comforted. I’m so glad to read you have family to help you at this time, even though your cyber friends aren’t there physically for you, we are here emotionally! Take care.

((((((BIG HUGS))))))

I read your story after being forwarded here from another person’s blog. After reading your entries, with tears down my cheeks, I just wanted to extend a big cyber-hug around you and your family. This tragedy is so searing, I just can’t imagine how you are coping, but I want to say that I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

/Heather

Hi Deb, sorry I am contacting you here rather than by usual email, but had my computer formatted again and lost my contacts. When you feel up to it, send me a short email, so I can add you again. Keeping you and family in my prayers.
Love Joan and Sioban

Still thinking of you and the children Deb. I too find it hard to find words, so just know that I’m here if you need anything and if you don’t well I’m still here and thinking of you and yours.

Hi Sweetie,
I’m so sorry for your loss, and I know that you are going through the worse time of your life right now. Just wanted to let you know, that we miss you! I hope that you and your family are healing!
Lots of Love,
Angel

I don’t really know you other than seeing a post here and there but I just have to say that “my heart breaks for you”. I don’t have any words of wisdom for you except that God is always the answer. Just embrace your children and remember, if this had been you, what would you expect your husband to do. My husband and I have talked about this, as hard as it will be, you have to go on for your children, I am sure thats what he would want. It doesnt make it easier by no means. Just take each day as it comes. This is the way we all need to live anyway. I dont know you, but I will pray for you.

just letting you know that you and your family are often on my mind and in my prayers
God bless
Natalie Michelmore

I’m so, so sorry. I wish like crazy I could make it better, even though I don’t know you. My heart goes out to you and your family. I can’t imagine the magnitude of your loss. I have added you to my prayer journal and will pray for you guys on a regular basis.
I wish I had some words of wisdom, or something to say to encourage you. Nothing seems right.
Take care. God bless you and keep you.

Just popped by to let you know, I’m still thinking of you all. Sending some love & hugs just in case you are in need of any

Deb–My heart is so heavy with sadness for you all. I truly wish I could say something to make it hurt less. You are often in my thoughts though.

Warm Hugs,
Tracy

Deb, thinking of you and your children. Keep going, you have the strength.

Gosh, I hope you are doing better. We all miss hearing from you. I pray for you every day.

You & your family are still in my thoughts & prayers. Praying that God will give you what you need as you grieve. Sending love & hugs to you all.

I was wondering how you were getting on Deb, so I popped in here. I think of you and your children often. I am reminded of you a lot when I digi scrap. I hope your cattle go to good homes too. I admire you so much with being able to get on here and share your heart. You are so loved by so many and I’m glad you feel it dear lady.
hugs & blessings,
Virginia

Gather the wonderful memories around you like a bouquet of flowers. Let them lift your heart when you are sad and give you hope to move forward. His memories will always be there to guide you and the children, as his angel watches over you. It’s ok to hurt, feel the pian and even cry, just don’t for get to keep moving forward and bnot get left behind or forget the lagacy of the children

Deb, my heart aches thinking of what you and your family are going through atm - something knowone should for a long time. At times like this i often wonder why? Why would he take someone so good? But as i have often been told - he only takes the best. Thinking of you often, know that Ray is watching down on you and the children and he would be so proud. Find strength in the little things. xox

Many prayers and thoughts for you and the kids Deb. Take comfort in God.

Sending you a fresh batch of hugs!

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